Some time ago I was recommended to read a book called The hut. I like this book very much because it showed a lot to me. I have already read it many times and I tried to find out what my own hut is. I could not have found the answer and there were whiles in which I felt like the God up there was just beating his head while saying that this girl must be for sure the slowest to understand in the world. Suddenly there is an answer and I know what my hut is. And I have to say that it is the hardest thing which I have ever gone through because it is not my illness as I thought.
I was told that I want to put my life into what I imagine and that I do not want to accept and be happy from what I have been offered or what I already have. Partially I agree with this. Just partially… On the other hand if I have not imagined for example that I would walk again at least a bit, if I only accepted the fact I was paralyzed, I would have never been able to stand up and walk. If people do not imagine that for example they could win Olympic games, they would never have been able to do anything for it.
In my opinion, what we imagine can bring us to something new, nice and really positive. It is just about if we want it or not. Sometimes we feel much more safer when we do not try, but in the end not trying is more painful.
What I have noticed lately is that I really started to have problems to explain how I mean some things, especially to people I really care for. I want to say one thing, I work hard on the way how to explain, I am open and often the result is the other side understands it in a completely different way. Inside me, I laugh sometimes about it because there is nothing else what I could do. You know that, sometimes, the more you try, the more it is spoilt. And suddenly you are in the middle of a situation in which you totally do not want to be and you feel like a big idiot.
While talking my intention is to show people maybe different point of view of what they are normally used to. It is because I think that my experience through which I have been going right now can sometimes give them advantages. However, I might be wrong…
Beside that I always consider my behaviour. The way I behave, how would I feel if somebody behaves the same way to me? Would I still be so sure that what I do is right?
Furthermore, I know that all of us are dying. But when you are already told that you are dying your brain starts to work in a different way. I would like to prevent all those thoughts connected to what I managed and not managed to do, but I can say it is really hard…