I got fed up of waiting for the results and everything. It seemed to be like a game in which me, as one side, and the doctors as the other side were waiting what the other side would do. I have to admit that I was the one who blew a fuse and I decided to sign a revers and go home. Before I left, one of the doctors, the head one came to me and we had a short talk. I only got to know that my stage is incurable (I had already known that). They could see something in the MRI, but did not know what it was. More important was that they considered the operation as too risky – operate on the spinal cord for the third time and at the same place could damage the nerves which had not been damaged yet. This would lead to systemic upset which will lead only to worse the whole stage of me. I guess you can imagine how I feel about it. I have to say that I broke down and I have not found a way yet how to go on in my life. It is like in Hamlet play where he asked the world-known sentence: “Be or not to be”. That is the question. I would like to find a way what to do in my life, but right now it seems that my head is empty and I cannot find a solution. I am also aware how of the fact difficult it is for the people around me to support me, mostly those ones who are the closest to me. It seems like they do not know what to say and how to act. I feel like being frozen. I know what I need, and the same time I am aware of the fact I will never get it. Therefore right now, I am tired of fighting and I also stopped doing exercises. I do not fancy for them.
My friends from rehab centre are very good to me. They support me very much as they understand what I have been going through. I feel ashamed being down in the dumps. However, on the other side I was told that this is normal after what I had gone through lately.